Mom Says:
I just finished a most positive Twitter Chat about advice. I could have used some advice today.
Today, I accompanied my son and his class on a field trip to a Pioneer Village. At first, he didn’t want to go, caught in his literal mind that people have died in the past and that if he went he would die as well. (This is one of those “Autism quirks” I don’t quite understand. (Literal interpretations get him stuck and any kind of mention of death completely derails him.)
We talked it through and eventually he was excited about going. His teacher this year is epic. Kind. Respected. A perfect mix of gentle and firm. The enthusiasm of the class trip won over and we suddenly had an excited little man.
We had our usual challenges when we got there. Wandering, talking out of turn, changing the subject to suit him but for the most part he was excited and engaged.
After lunch, we had a chance to wander in our smaller group to explore. We ended up in the Blacksmith workshop. He was excited to watch and describe what the blacksmith was doing. (Giggles from a group from another school) Loudly, he asked the Blacksmith if he would be his friend. (Laughing from another school). He turned to the people beside him and said “Why are you laughing at me? (more laughs and mimicking voices). This went on for a couple of minutes. He would listen intently to what the Blacksmith had to say and then repeat “Will you be my friend?” Cue more giggles and Spence got hurt.
I didn’t know what to do.
My stomach felt like I got gut punched, my heart physically ached, my throat tight. I was desperate not to burst into tears and scream at all these kids about how much of an asshole they were being, how collectively their laughs felt cruel and sporty. I saw my son hurt and I was lost on how to make it better.
I took him aside and asked him how he was feeling.
OK? He looked so confused. He said “Mom, why were those kids laughing? They weren’t being very nice.” No they weren’t and for him, it was that simple. But it affected him and for the rest of the trip he struggled. Lost from how mean they were and struggling to understand. So was I.
Dad says:
I get all this second hand, but it arrives just as I am working to finalize arrangements to go to our first Maple Leafs game. Me and my son, at a hockey game. All that said, it was amazing, but that ain’t this post. I want hunt those kids down. I want to destroy their grade 4 experience. I don’t because I’m better than that. But I don’t want to be.
I talk through the experience with Spence. He is elusive, but we get to the point. There are jerks in the world, and sometimes they enter ours. You just need to point it out, turn your back, and move on.
I need to own up here. I don’t think I ever, in any seriousness, excluded or hurt people for being different in any way. Race or colour was never an issue I can be sure, but if there was ever a chance at a joke I took it, and I am damn sure I didn’t think of anyone’s feelings in pursuit of the punch line. And I am honestly, completely sorry. I didn’t know, or extend a thought outside my own little world. It wasn’t vindictive, but I am sure it hurt someone who didn’t deserve it, and I am sorry for that. I can’t change the past, but I am so aware of what the future feels like.
A good friend once told me that the one thing you didn’t realize you had so much of until kids is Guilt and Fear. Today, was a tough day. Today, we experienced both. It was awful. I look forward to figuring out how to conquer the mean and move on.
mercy. You guys KNOW I know exactly how this feels and that is why I am sitting here crying.
It sucks and it hurts and I have no idea how to make it better.
I currently want to kick the asses of a bunch of asshole grade 7 kids for making my kid feel the same way.
But instead of doing that I cling to the hope that someday my kid will find his tribe and find that place where he belongs and where people will see HIM first instead of his Autism.
Gah.
I hear so often that it’s up to our children to change the world and that always kind of bugs me…no it’s not. It’s up to us…right now…to change the world by raising respectful children who are filled with love and empathy for one another.
I think we are currently a generation that sees a whole whack of mistakes out there…how it’s affecting the world. It’s not too late for US to make a difference.
My daughter has three children with various “special” needs in her grade nine class (she’s known them since primary.) I encourage her on a regular basis to say hello, to interact, to give a hug or a high five…to become partners on projects and spend time with them in the hallways or on breaks. I ASK her what’s going on with her friends…these kids deemed a little different for whatever reason…and she delightfully tells me of progress or a funny story.
While I think my kid is a pretty lovely little girl…I’m not entirely sure she’d be doing the things she’s doing if I wasn’t encouraging her from the background. I’m not looking for a pat on the back in any way here…I just think that more parents need to wake the hell up and start a dialogue with their children about being more inclusive… and then MAYBE, just maybe…our kids could have a shot at changing the world.
My heart aches for you both, and for Spencer. It is so difficult to understand why children do this to one another. I know that as parents we just want to shield our children, or dole out the same kind of experience to teach the others a lesson. But we can’t.
I, too, struggle to know how to deal with these situations, but I know that we have the obligation to be there for our kids, to show them that even when the world is an asshole, we love them and support them. It may not be enough for them, but it’s what we can do.
You know, short of throwing a tantrum and being dragged away from the field trip.
I’m sorry, you guys.