Losing a friend

TAKING THE TIME TO TELL THOSE WHO HAVE GIVEN YOU A GIFT IN LIFE

I have been waking up at 4:20am almost every day. Yes I know. The irony of the time isn’t lost on me but now its about getting older/sleepless nights than it is celebrating a certain international time of day.

It’s the quietest time of day and one where I somehow find it easiest to talk to Tracy.

I often start my conversations with her with “I miss you. I miss your giggle. I love you. I’m sorry.”

I think of what I wish I had said to her. I wish I had told her more often how important she was to me. I wish I had told her how I adored her kind heart, her sense of humour and her generous, thoughtful nature. She always made the effort and took the time to tell those around her. Good things, kind things, how special you were, how proud she was, how excited she was. She was just that kind of person.

It’s her birthday today and I have been trying to figure out what to do.

It came to me at 4:20.

I want to honour her generosity & kindness by paying it forward. I will take the time to tell friends how much they mean to me. A simple gesture but one that feels right.

And so… To the wonderful people in my life and their gift of friendship:

To Jasmine: I love when we dance together. I love when we explore the world together. Our smiles are infectious, the groove lives in our soul and you are truly our Sister from another Mister.

To Kendra, Alice, Foxy: I am so flippin proud of you and all that you have accomplished. It looks like lately you too have fallen down the rabbit hole and I am beyond excited to meet someone who makes you smile that big.

To Jen: My heart aches with what your family is going through and I think about you every day, wishing & willing Bry to get better. Oh and Sam cheering at the Bomber game. How do you have such a daredevil? 🙂

To Shasta: I think of you & your laugh so often. Heading for fish & chips in our PJ’s in Glasgow, meeting new friends in Temple Bar in Ireland, pretty much every time we are together. I miss you. Let’s get away, even if its for the weekend.

To TLC/Clever: I hear your shriek/laugh in my head and go back to rolling on the floor in the gazebo at the cottage or wandering about the campground at Folk Fest. So many hijinx. I am so sorry for everything you have been going through. This has been such a tough year & I so look forward to giving you a hug in person soon.

To Susie: We have been business bosom buddies for so many years now. Your sarcasm, eloquence in speech & social, love for your family and friends warms my heart so deeply. I am so proud of everything you have kicked ass at.

To Julie: Your strategitude blows my mind. Your heart is big. Thank you for letting me in. #Nuffsaid.

To Carrie, Rocky, Grace & Emma: You guys are like a big cozy warm blanket. So much love and support between us all. I am indebted for life.

To Wendy, Bryan, Jen, Bruce, Shirley, Cliff, Jen & Laird, Tara: Thank you for the day to day & the special occasion friendship. It certainly DOES take a village and I am wholly grateful that you are all part of ours.

To the Eatonville Divas: Ladies! Who’s turn is it? We have to set up something soon. Your camaraderie is so special to my life. This time no fire department ok?

To the Mirvish crew: I am so grateful for our “cultured” moments. They guarantee we connect, they hold so many incredible memories and that is so important to me.

To my Hockey pals: Yes, I love hockey but its the giggles in the locker room after I enjoy most.

To Dan & Erin, Pat & Erin, Greg & Cindy, Mart & Dawn, Del, Paul, Taru & Daniel, Jason & Gillian, Dan & Gill, Drew & Jen, Glyn & Haanita their families and so many more friends:….A family is a group of people you love. Thank you for all being part of ours for so long.

To Marnie, Kristal, Jen, Kim, Nadine: We have gotten to be good friends because of Tracy. I think you all completely rock. I know why she loved you and the hugs & hilarity you bring to the fold.

To Sean, Anna & Avery: We will always be here. We will always be ready to tell you what an amazing mom you had. What a beautiful soul she was. Just say the word.

To Spencer: Your sweetness & enthusiasm over so many things makes my heart sing. You have taught me how to appreciate the little wins. You have taught me joy. I am more grateful than you will ever know.

To Lauren: Your spirit, heart and inner beauty are so gentle and considerate. You are an old soul and I love how much we laugh together. I giggle with you like we are BFF’s and yet you are 7.

To Chris: Whether its Saffron Risotto in Tuscany, Beers in Amsterdam, Crackers at the top of Kili or Coffee on the dock… You are truly my partner. Through it all. My rock. My best friend. My dance partner. #TeamPowell

To My Family: You have to love me. So there. But seriously, I adore you. Our roots are strong and deep.

To the BlissDom Canada community: Your PM’s, DM’s, notes and emails have been some of the sweetest I have read. Thank you for all your incredible support.

One simple gesture.

Gratitude to those who make a difference in your life.

How about you join me if you can? Take one simple moment out of your busy day to send a note of gratitude or love to someone in your life. It would be the best present you could give today.

Happy Birthday T.

Aimlessly I drag myself around the grocery store, lost in a sea of tears.

A large gaping hole the size of the moon in place of my stomach, my heart pounding so hard I’m sure any minute its going to break out of my chest.

I think I might puke, save for the obscenities I am screaming to every stranger that walks by with a smile. Well, at least I am screaming in my head.

This..Is… Grief.

Grief like I have never experienced before. Grief that feels so deep, so dark I’m not sure I will come out of it.

I lost one of my best friends in the world this past week. An unexpected tragedy of epic proportions.

Her name was Tracy.

Tracy and I had our first babies across the hall from each other. Although our husbands met with a quick hello in the hallway, it wasn’t until 6 weeks later that we connected at a New Moms Group by the hospital. To hear Tracy tell the story when all the rest of the new moms walked in, she was intimidated. She thought we all had our shit together and were rocking motherhood while she thought she was a hot mess. How I tell it is that I walked in and saw one of the most genuine smiles I have ever witnessed in my life, a friendly in the war of surviving motherhood. A state where we were ALL a hot mess.

Our Mom's Group story in Today's Parent — Our Mom’s Group story in Today’s Parent

Every week we would meet. I coveted those days as a much needed check-in. After the mom’s group finished, we set up a weekly meet up at a park nearby. Tracy’s daughter and my son were the finicky ones which led to us having to stop halfway through our walks, feed or calm them having many a chat before catching up with the group.

Fairy parties are best when done with great friends

It solidified our friendship.

We spent the next 9 years in the throes of motherhood together. Between managing birthday schedules (Each of our kid’s birthdays are one day apart), theatre adventures, BBQ’s, dinners and so much more, our friendship developed into one chock full of love and respect.

If you have read anything about Tracy, you know that she was a beautiful, giving person. But I sit here now and only wish she knew the kind of loving impact she made on so many people. How good she made them feel. How good of a friend she truly was.

Friendship is everything to me. These are people you choose to be part of your life. People who give you a gift in knowing them. Yet somehow along the way, you get busy. Social updates become your feeder, text your touch base. You compromise time in person because you are building a business, or travelling or family time is crucial given the limited space and time you have available between hockey games and soccer practice. Because you are tired and life feels too busy. Tracy’s gift was taking the time to show you how important you were to her and she was pushing for us to have some time together. In person. I can’t tell you how deeply my heart regrets that I let life get in the way and that we didn’t have more time for those real life moments.

The best friendship I ever witnessed was how she felt about Sean

THE GESTURE OF FRIENDSHIP

Signs are everywhere that Tracy is still close by. Finding a lost necklace from her, Bon Jovi on the radio, the woman behind us at Starbucks named Tracy. I feel like each moment is her sweet gesture of trying to let me know its OK.

I couldn’t be getting through this grief without the kindness and gestures of the friends I have. Simple check-ins, sending texts, sending love and hugs, trying to find ways to make me smile. My heart feels so heavy and they made me feel loved and cared for, like I have been covered in a big warm blanket of support. Tracy will be a constant reminder to take the time to tell these friends just how special they are.

A CIRCLE OF FRIENDS

The night before Tracy’s funeral, we went to a gathering of her closest friends. We laughed, talked, hugged and cried our way through remembering and telling stories from different facets of her life. We all knew about each other because that was one of the most amazing things about Tracy. She was always so great at telling you how proud she was of her friends. At one point, we were surprised how easily and quickly we all got along. Of course we did. We all loved Tracy. And we were lucky enough that she had chosen each of us to be her friend.

I live in a circle of new friends. Together we ache in union for a soul sister. For someone who gave us each her heart and captured ours with her beauty and her sweetness.

For that I am forever grateful.

Love you T.

Birthdays & The Gift of Friendship

The Grief in Losing a Friend